There’s this phrase going around, you’ve probably heard it, “what’s saving my life right now…” and you list all the things that are helping you stay afloat in the day to day, from foods or gadgets, to little practices or books.
Well, here’s my answer.
What’s saving this girl’s life right now…admitting she’s barely surviving, letting go of my flotation devices, giving into the mystery, giving up on having an explanation for everything, and finally SINKING.
No matter how hard I try, life simply cannot be summed up in photos or words or theories. It was never meant to be conquered or saved in a few hacks, or even understood more with each passing year. No, another birthday doesn’t make me wiser. Quite the contrary, I’m afraid.
Life can’t be contained or managed no matter how much we plan, schedule, or prioritize. In fact, I’m pretty sure the opposite is true. Life pulls us under by the sheer wonder and weight of its grandeur.
We do ourselves a favor to let go and fall headlong into its raging torrent. Life is big and messy and weird, isn’t it? We don’t have to stay strong, chart our growth, tighten the reins, and try to manipulate our life course like a drill sergeant. We can listen to its flow, feel the tug, and swim out with its currents. What I wish I could say here is this: I promise you won’t drown, you won’t die, you will make it. But I can’t.
Because I don’t think that’s the point or a promise. Didn’t He say we would die, we would feel like we are drowning, we are losing control? And didn’t He say this would actually be a very good and beautiful and necessary thing?
I’m finally starting to love it that way. I’m beginning to say thank you for the gift of extreme exhaustion I feel each night, the gift of a baby who refuses to get in a nap routine, for the puppy who whimpers for my attention, and the kittens who beg to be scratched behind their ears, for all my children who seem to have invaded my life with their cute and obnoxious ways, and for all the answers I wish I had for when, where, and what’s next.
Life is FINALLY getting the best of me friends. And I’ve got the wrinkles, the weariness, and the thankfulness to prove it.
If the only prayer you say in your life is “thank you, that would suffice.
Meister Eckhart
So, here’s to more sinking and more surviving, instead of more saving and more swimming.
Here’s to a year of plunging into the depths of life with tears and thank you bubbling freely from within as we let ourselves, our clean cut plans, and fickle ambitions go.
Welcome to life, friends. It’s weird.
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