I roused myself from the couch, my eyelids like bricks, but my heart is light, tuned to a fluttering within. The flutters may be the reason I can’t sleep and decide to finally stand up.
The question still sits on me like a curled-up, comfortable cat who has no intention of moving. I thought laying down would make it go away, but of course, it doesn’t.
The mixed-up swirl of transcendent experiences and formless emotions begs me to just do something with them. Although not as pretty as the berry swirls in the cobbler sitting on my countertop right now, I feel they’re wanting to come together, to blend, rise, and bake all the same.
I stare into the bowl of my soul and see the raw ingredients of these past few years coalesce.
What will I do?
Will I follow the well-known recipes, maps, and approaches for finding purpose and clarity in life? Or will I forget the rules and ditch the familiar directions?
I remind myself as I stare into the bowl, a medley of seemingly unrelated flavors and textures, that the most memorable and pivotal seasons have come when I’ve decided to…
do what I want.
No, I argue silently with myself, it can’t be true, that sounds too simplistic and also extremely selfish. Years of religious dogma taught me sacrifice and service were far more holy than desire and dreams.
But the pattern feels obvious. Every time I choose for myself the Universe explodes with excitement and unforgettable adventures ensue.
Can I actually do what I want? Is there no right answer?
Of course, I can’t.
I think about all the consequences. They form a line that goes out the door and around the corner. They scare me and I retreat back into what is best. What is best for everyone and everything else.
Still, I can’t deny, the countless times I’ve observed what happens when I ignore people’s opinions and my need for approval. When I release my grip on those tight, linear formulas and rigid facts and clear space for spirit and energy to move again…
Excitement and hope can’t help but infuse the core of my being,
every day becomes a treasure hunt of epic proportions,
magic creeps into my life like a sneaky wave without warning.
What is it that I actually want to do? The question both wakes me up and weighs me down.
The question is pregnant with possibility and a million paths. Surely, it will take an eternity to answer, but in the meantime, it drives me to create, design, and experiment with my own set of instructions for a well-lived life.
As long as I’m breathing, I’ll keep stirring these mystery ingredients with vigor and curiosity, wondering what they’ll become when I give them time to bake. This is what I want to do.