When 2016 rolled around and everyone started setting goals or picking words for the year, I slipped into the shadows. I did something scary and stepped out of my comfort zone.
I didn’t make any goals.
And for someone who loves accomplishing and feeling productive every minute of the day, who can hardly sit for a couple hours to watch a movie with her husband, this is definitely strange behavior.
Sure, I still reflected on all my dreams. But instead of writing them out, posting them up where I can see them and taking conscious steps towards them each day, I tucked them away into a notebook and into my heart.
I also took a few days to get some direction for the upcoming year to at least feel like I had a plan, a handle on the unknown.
And yes, I even jotted down a few goals I’d like to see happen in the upcoming months, but I haven’t so much as glanced at them since January.
Then February 2nd rolled around and our third baby, Isaac James, made his entrance into the world. With his entrance came the invitation, an open door from the Lord, an exit of sorts. I knew it was coming…
It was a door that I had been anticipating for some time, and the reason why I didn’t set any clear and concise goals for the year.
With our third baby came the invitation to leave behind my idols of accomplishment, productivity, and my skewed view of success. God knows that I’d rather hang my worth on my great achievements than His amazing grace.
It’s easy to tick boxes on my list of to-dos, it’s easy to grab a cup of tea and my journal and dream my heart out, it comes natural for me to set lofty goals every month, even every day. But I’m lost when it comes to relying on His grace…
Trusting that God is enough, and He will provide for and fulfill all my needs, desires, and dreams in His perfect timing is scarier than taking action on my ambitious plans.
With all three of my children, I’ve made it through labor on my knees literally. With every intense surge and painful contraction, my husband can tell you I immediately hit the floor on all fours. I don’t care where I am- a tiled hospital hallway, the cement of the sidewalk, or on the carpet of my living room, it’s my go to position.
But I don’t know that I can say the same about life. I’m much more comfortable running on my own two legs than crawling or crying out from my knees. From this position, I sure don’t feel productive or successful, instead I feel useless and lazy.
However, if I look back on every delivery of my three babies, I see that indeed from my knees God births miracles in His way and in His timing. The only part I have to play is to get into position.
Now that I’ve been baptized into motherhood for the third time, I’m starting to realize the girl I once was, even last year, is fading quickly. There seems to be a finality to it all that makes me a bit uncomfortable. I’d like to say that in a year or so I’ll be back…basking in my go-getter, determined glory, but something tells me that door is closing for good.
God is inviting me to step through the door of His grace and experience the expanse of His love like never before. He is asking me to get into the best position for labor and delivery, for the birthing of miracles… on my knees.
Perhaps it’s becoming a mother or just walking through life for 33 years, but ever so slowly I find myself venturing down the path of grace more intentionally. Every day I fall to the floor- be it crying out for help in my bedroom when I don’t know how to love my disobedient children, or cleaning up crumbs from under the table after dinner. I can’t seem to run from grace anymore, it’s becoming my go to position.
I never considered living in grace as an act of courage, or a step out of my comfort zone. I thought of grace theologically. I could reference all the verses in the Bible. But never, NEVER, did I see grace as the entry way into a beautiful adventure.
But you know what? It definitely is!
Grace invites us to live entirely different from what comes natural for you and me. Grace calls us to slow down, to breathe deep, to rest from our try hard efforts and well-meaning plans.
Graces empowers us to explore the beauty of the unknown, to walk with Jesus into places of true fruitfulness and leave the familiar land of our own human productivity.
Grace encourages us to confidently rest in God, trusting that He will always be enough for us everyday, forever.
Grace say it’s okay to not make a list of lofty goals but to simply love people well in our midst.
Will you join me in positioning ourselves for all that God wants to do in and through us, to drop to our knees no matter the season we find ourselves in, and say yes to the adventure of-finding our worth in only His amazing grace instead of our great achievements?