I’ve got this sinking feeling in my stomach some days, that my hard work and well-meaning efforts will never amount to anything.
My ideas will remain scribbled in my spiral notebook.
My dreams will stay asleep.
My relationships will always have echoes of heartbreak and disappointment.
My work will never be a success, perhaps I was mistaken, overly optimistic, to think I could do it in the first place.
Surely there is something wrong with me, I think, why isn’t anything working right.
I buy the expensive planner, with hopes that if I schedule wisely, making the most of everyday, then maybe my dreams will awaken, my ideas will come to life, my relationships will flourish, and my business will get a breakthrough.
I look to her life, the woman I don’t even know, I devise a formula for how she got to where she is today, with that golden smile and sparkling eyes, how did she keep chasing hope and Him, and keep pressing on until she got there.
I discipline myself, wielding all my inner strength to move from what is to where I want to be, it takes more power than I can muster.
Alas, I reach out for some control, I’ll take whatever I can get, even if it’s snapping at my kids to get their shoes on as we head out the door.
I admit, I want life to work right. I want my hard work to take me places. I want all my effort to be a smooth funnel leading me toward the life I’ve always imagined. I want to run from the pain of regret and avoid the brokenness that seems to follow me wherever I go.
Is it so bad to ask God to make all things right.
To fulfill our dreams as we take the daily steps.
To breathe life over our ideas and provide the resources for them to happen.
To make our relationships healthy, and be a source of constant joy, a mutual giving and receiving.
To let our work be discovered overnight, our unique talent finally affirmed.
We spend long days doing our best to stay on top of things. We let out a sigh as we lay down at night, exhausted mostly from spinning our wheels.
Does any of this matter God? My question laced with bits of anger and confusion only He notices.
Is the crazy-dreaming, garden-planting, diaper-changing, floor-cleaning, friend-calling, letter-writing, baby-rocking, people-loving, morning- praying really worth it?
In other words, will I ever get to see measurable achievement?
Or am I destined to only be a seed scattering pilgrim wandering through this earth following the rainbow of promise?
It feels so wrong.
Will you ever make it right? That I might come to know this gritty work I’ve sunk my heart and hands into was not just an act of pure insanity on my part?
You look for rightness in all the wrong places my child.
Exchange your self-achievement for self-less adoration.
Put away your desire for results and instead keep running to me, you will always win there.
Turn your addiction to move ahead into an obsession to move with me.
Quit trying to become someone and see who you already are- a seed scattering pilgrim wandering through this earth following the rainbow of promise.
The world says climb its ladders, but they always make you fall. I say walk in faith and you’ll always find fulfillment.
The rightness you crave is found in my righteousness.
If you’re days leave you asking questions about your purpose…
If you’re efforts feel futile and unseen, like they’re going nowhere…
If you’re getting tired of the slowness, the monotony…
If you’re wondering if you’ll ever see the promise…
Know this, you might need to make a change, but perhaps, might you be exactly in the right place?
I know it’s a crazy thought, but it’s one I’m welcoming more everyday.
You are standing on good earth, friend, faith is taking root beneath your feet here.
You are in a place where the promise can feel beautiful even though it’s afar off, where rebellious hope can rest inside of you, and love can inspire you to keep risking your life for this unseen Kingdom.
Let that truth sink into you instead of giving into the sinking feeling.
Keep wandering, pilgrim, your steps are never wasted when they’re taken by faith. All of this living will be right and worth it, as we lean into His righteousness.
Verses to Ponder: Psalm 37:23, Hebrews 11 (especially verses 13-16), 2 Peter 2:11-12, Galatians 6:9, 1 Corinthians 15:58, 2 Thessalonians 3:13, Proverbs 11:18, James 2:23, Romans 4:3 + 20